April 22nd 2023

April, 2023

The wedding that never was

April 22nd was supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives- the date of the wedding that would mark the start of the rest of our lives together. Now that day is here, and I find myself at the top of a mountain, looking down into the valley at the exact spot where I would be standing, waiting for my fiancée to become my wife in another life. I allow myself to peer into that alternate universe where everything still makes sense. I see all of our friends and family who have traveled far to be here filling the chairs facing the altar. The flowers accenting the scene are beautiful. My best friends and brother stand by my side, lined up facing down the aisle, waiting. I hear the music in the wind start to crescendo, as the countdown to her big moment runs low. It arrives and there she is in white, as beautiful as anything I have ever seen. All eyes are on her as the tears begin to fall from my eyes. My heart is racing. Time stands still, yet somehow, she makes it to my side and the chaos in my head turns quiet. Everything feels right. My vows flow from my lips effortlessly as I tell my best friend how much I love her and that I will be there for her no matter what the future holds. It’s us against the world and nothing can stop us. Only seconds of my life as an individual remain now, as the moment our relationship has been building towards for the last 5.5 years approaches. I do escapes each of our lips and my wife and I kiss for the first time.

The mirage turns to wisps of smoke as I come back to reality, standing alone in silence on the ridgeline. As painful as it is, I couldn’t stay away from this place, and I can’t bring myself to leave. The sun begins to set, casting long shadows over the southern California desert as it races towards the horizon, the cool night air rushes in as a replacement. It does not escape my notice that this would have been the perfect day to have a wedding. I battle my demons, but it is not a fight I will win tonight. I allow myself one last moment to fantasize about what could have been, take a final deep breath, and begin the descent to the base of the mountain. If closure is what I was seeking, there was none to be found here today. Maybe it is something that will find me in the days and weeks to come. For now, all I can do is keep moving forward, one step at a time.

What happened to us

The date on the calendar read March 16th, 2023, as Gabby walked into the apartment, let the turmoil that had been silently building within her out, and changed the trajectory of the lives I thought we would have together. All relationships have some difficulties, and ours was no exception. Even so, I was shocked as she listed off a series of flaws she saw in me. I had not seen this coming. To me, it seemed out of nowhere. To her, these thoughts had been building up for some unknown amount of time as she allowed them the space to crystalize in her mind. Do you still want to marry me? I asked, fearing the worst. My heart shattered as she said that she didn’t know anymore.

The next day we took a walk to the beach to talk more. I sat on the beach and gazed out at the surf as Gabby listed off another list, this time one of things she didn’t like about herself. I tried to make sense of the narrative that was presented to me. I couldn’t. There was no singular moment to point to, no explosive argument, and nothing where the proportional response would be to call off the wedding at the last minute. I thought that we had a good relationship and were good for each other. Just a day ago, I would have told you I was happy. We were happy together; I thought. After all this time, even with the benefit of hindsight, I still think this was true. I can’t put my finger on when the tide turned for her. It never did for me. Perhaps there was something that she left out from her story. Maybe I was just blind. I loved her so strongly that I thought her feelings must mirror my own. They didn’t.

There were three options still available to us at the time: get married as planned, call off the wedding but stay together, or go our separate ways. We decided that it would be best if Gabby got on a plane, got away, and had some time to think, process the feelings she had finally admitted to herself were there. It was to be Schrödinger’s wedding until she said the words that would collapse our reality into one of the possible outcomes.

On the day she was to leave, I walked Gabby down to her car and held her tight. I told her that I loved her more than anything, that I wanted to marry her, and that we can work through any problems that we have. I would do anything for her. Gabby cried as she assured me that she was going to figure things out, that we would talk on the phone while she was gone, and she got in her car and drove out into the pouring rain. I kept my eyes on her until the last possible moment. That was the last glimpse I would ever have of my fiancée.

We hardly talked while she was gone. I sent a few messages saying how I loved and missed her. She would say the same words, but they would come hours later, feeling cold, hollow, and lacking any meaning behind them. Finally, I suggested that we talk on the phone as we had planned to. I called her and then my fiancée, the same girl that had called me the love of her life, future father of her children, and best friend ended our 5.5-year relationship as she cowered behind the phone three time zones away in Delaware. I will never forgive her for that. I deserved better.

The aftermath and my attempts to make sense of it

Once, a long time ago when Gabby and I first started dating we went to the market across the street from my apartment. While we were there walking through the aisles, she quietly slipped away to hide and left me alone. I knew she was there somewhere, but I couldn’t find her. A thought crossed my mind- what if I just dreamt her up? She was so perfect to me then. I wasn’t crazy- I knew that she was there somewhere. Even so, when I finally found her, I felt so lucky and blessed to have her in my life. Now, it seems it would have been a far less cruel fate if I had never found her.

My mind raced. All the moments that built our relationship together cycled on repeat through my head. My heart physically hurt. I rushed to the bathroom to vomit. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I tried to trade the emotional pain for physical, but there is a limit to how much pain can be traded for sweat. A stack of gifts from our Crate and Barrel registry filled a corner of the apartment we shared. Just weeks ago, we had debated opening them, naively not even considering that not having a wedding was a possible outcome for us. The thought that she knew what she was going to do even then crept in, poisoning my mind. I started doubting everything I thought I had known about us. I felt so alone, broken, as though I was living in a nightmare; one you are sure you will wake up from but never do. The neon sign reading “The Baynes” sat in the corner of the apartment, now never to have a purpose.

How did I get it so wrong? I was so certain that she was the one. I knew that I was going to marry Gabby. I’ve never been so wrong about anything in my life. The future that I got a glimpse into on the top of the mountain is forever lost now. I will never see her in a white dress, our wedding dance will remain incomplete, we will never have a child, and we will not grow old together. I was not the one for her and she was not the one for me

It was always Gabby’s right to leave our relationship. Even so, the way that she handled things was sociopathic. It could have been worse, but only just barely. Somehow, not getting left at the altar doesn’t feel like much of a consolation prize.

I have trouble reconciling the amazing person I thought I knew with the person she turned out to be at the end. The closest thing I have to an answer is the thought that perhaps I always saw the best in her. Maybe the girl I thought the world of wasn’t who she truly was, but rather only someone who she could be. Much of what she did will be hard to forgive and let go of. I will struggle to forgive her for her selfishness. I was never the one who wanted the big wedding- I just wanted her. In the end she just wanted a wedding but not me. In her greed she broke my heart and wasted a lot of different people’s time and money.

One of the things that angers me the most is how she never messaged my mom, the woman who was so excited to add her as a daughter to her family. She had thought so much of Gabby that she had planned to give her my great grandmother's engagement ring. It would have undoubtedly been a tough conversation for Gabby to have- there would have been no magic words for her to say, but she should have had the strength of character to say something to the other people her decision affected. I think at the very least she owed my parents that. My parents are not wealthy, and the resources that they contributed to celebrate us were completely wasted. Turns out when you cancel a wedding less than a month out you don’t get much of anything back. Her silence showed us once more that she wasn’t as great as we had thought after all.

I think something in her is broken, it would almost have to be to do what she did the way she did. I am not blameless in the problems that caused her to want to end our relationship, but canceling the wedding Gabby had asked for falls solely on her shoulders. She never even talked about the problems she saw in our relationship, how were we supposed to work on them? She didn't even give us the chance. I had enough respect for her to only ask her to marry me when I knew that was what I wanted. How could your mind ever change about that?

It is tempting to speculate why she ended it the way she did. Had she been lying right to my face, or did her mind just change? The truth is it doesn’t really matter - I will never be able to reconcile the fact that one day we were going to be married and the following we were on the road to being complete strangers again. One may say the simplest explanation is that we never truly loved each other, but I know that I loved her. I choose to believe that she truly loved me. I will never know for sure. I can’t wait until the day comes that I don’t care.

Looking to the future

There will be nights ahead where I will lose sleep wondering where she is or who she is with. It is unavoidable. She will think of me far less. It hurts but there is nothing I can do to change it. At the end of the day, I had more love to give than she did. There is nothing left for me to do but accept that and start putting my life back together. There is a long list of things that must be done before our lives are disentangled. There is furniture to split, shared accounts to close, wedding expenses to settle, new places to find to live, and a ring to sell.

I hope that when I move on, I can love as freely as I did with her. I hope I am not broken now. The unknown future is both daunting and exhilarating, a blank canvas waiting to be painted with new experiences. Despite the uncertainty, there is a certain freedom in the vastness of the possibilities ahead, a sense of excitement in the thought of a new beginning with no one to hold me back or weigh me down.

The trail to the base of the mountain comes to an end as I finally reach my car. I begin the drive back to the house where my family and I are staying for the week. It is full of friends and family now, all there for me. The people in my life are truly amazing and I’m very lucky to have them. It’s not the reception I thought I would be going to, but things are better this way. The person I wanted to marry doesn’t exist anymore. As I drive down the empty road images from another future call to me. I see a different wedding; this time all the details are blurry, but the emotions are sharp. The feelings of love are stronger than anything I could have imagined, giving me confidence that even though I’m not okay I will be someday. The future is coming and in it I am so happy things turned out the way they did.